(i.e. on being a house-husband, not on caring, cultivating or breeding of houses)
Be warned: here be long, rambling post.
So, a few people have asked me what it feels like being a house husband. In a nutshell, so far it's great. A few people warned me that I would find doing nothing tedious after a while - and indeed, there are several arguments people often put forward to explain why being a house husband (or wife) might be detrimental to one's happiness. Some of these arguments are made explicitly, others implicitly. Let me go through some of them:
- The first is obvious: being a house husband can't be fun if you cannot afford it. True - but this depends on your definition of "afford it". If you are used to a particular life style, which you cannot support if you stop working, and which you will miss, you should indeed not give up employment. In my case, Jessi is thankfully amply compensated for her services to the Crown, so this is not an issue as far as my day to day lifestyle is concerned. However, note that I do hope my future lifestyle to be of higher standards than my current - more on that later.
- Not having a job gets boring after a while. My instinctive response to this argument is, "what the hell is wrong with you?! If you cannot entertain yourself when you don't have a job, there's something seriously wrong with you!"
But it's true that doing nothing is not for everyone. Back in London, Jessi would often tell me on a Friday, "I'm exhausted, let's do nothing tomorrow", to which I always gladly agreed. But come Saturday, after a couple of hours she would start pestering me to go out and do stuff. Doing nothing requires an innate talent, which thankfully I possess. In abundance. This may sound strange (I'd like to think!) to some people who've worked with me, given that at work I tended to value efficiency and a "getting things done" mindset - but these are entirely different situations. I think that once one has committed to doing a task, one should get it done quickly, so that one can then decide whether they want to commit to another task, or precisely to do nothing. But the desire, and even more so, the need to commit to new tasks has nothing to do with the efficiency in carrying out said tasks.
- An argument that is made less often explicitly is that a lot of people tie their self worth to their work, or worse, to their earnings. It is amazing how many smart people I've met who genuinely believe that the money one makes is a good way of "keeping score" - i.e. the more you make, the more you are worth (pardon the pun - I clearly mean "worth" in a non-monetary, but ill-defined, sense here).
There is something to be said regarding the value of one's work, that I will discuss further down. But tying one's value to the money one earns is beyond immature, as it rests on two very silly assumptions: Firstly, that everyone cares first and foremost about how much money they make (if not everyone does so, keeping score using money as an indicator would be like thinking that you've won a football match based on the number of passes your team has made - maybe important to you, but not to the rest of the world, and hence meaningless as a score-keeping mechanism). Note that making this assumption also necessarily implies that a rich person who engages in what we broadly consider immoral activities (e.g. bribery, drug trade etc) is "worth" more than a poor person, who is however honest. Secondly, that the amount of money one makes is to a very large extent tied directly to their effort, and that external circumstances do not matter. But what if someone wins the lottery? Are they "worth more" than someone who earns more from their work, but wasn't as lucky?
Tying one's self worth to their job status, in relation to other people in the same industry at least, is a bit trickier: I must confess that I, both viscerally and to an extent rationally, succumb to this view. At P&G, I did want to progress fast, for no other reason than the prestige a quick promotion carries. As I mentioned, this mentality makes sense rationally, up to a point: surely, the speed at which one is promoted reflects one's ability. Of course, this isn't always true, but it is pretty robust. But it is of no relevance to this discussion. One could argue that my self esteem would have been harmed, had I stayed at P&G for another 5 years and failed to make it to the next level. But choosing to leave, in order to follow my wife's career, is a choice independent to my performance at work, and hence doesn't affect my ego.
On a similar note, some people might ask whether I feel at all emasculated that my wife is now supporting me. But, come on - if I didn't feel emasculated by the fact that Jessi proposed to me, would I really feel emasculated by her career taking precedence over mine? (actually yes, theoretically, I could. But I don't.)
- Being a house husband often means fewer interactions with other people. Again, this is true to an extent (although of course it depends on the effort one makes to make friends). But this doesn't really bother me, as I'm rather an introvert. Again, this statement might surprise people, as I hardly give the impression of not enjoying other people's company - but I'm very happy being on my own. (Quick note to friends: this isn't to say that every (or any) occasion I've spent time in your company, my smile was a well-acted front to conceal my dread and despair at having to socialise - I do enjoy being with friends, it's just that I do not get depressed or even restless being by myself. It's also not to say I don't miss you - I do).
- Being unemployed might be fine as a condition on its own, but what about its ramifications on one's future? This, and the comment above regarding the value of one's work, are the only reasons I myself will seek to re-enter employment, and I'll elaborate on both of them further down.
OK, so far I've explained why being a house husband doesn't suck. But is it good? Or just neutral? Before I answer this, let me anticipate the argument that I've only been a house husband for a month, hence I've not have enough time to experience some of the downsides mentioned above (e.g. doing nothing might not bother me yet, but if I were to do it (heh, "do do nothing") for months, it might get to me. EDIT: I remained a house husband for another 5 months or so, and it was awesome.
True, but on the other hand, the conditions of my being house husband are not ideal: a) we're still living in a bland and (after a week) rather unpleasant temporary flat. Doing nothing would be significantly more enjoyable in a personalised flat with my furniture and decor. EDIT: It was b) The last point about being an introvert non-withstanding, it's undoubtable that being unemployed would be more fun if I could regularly see and spend time with the people close to me. c) My internet connection is rubbish. Being unemployed would be so much more fun if I could watch the latest House of Cards series. Edit: it was d) I've promised myself not to get a suit made until I get a job. It's hard to explain how much this clause weighs against all the benefits of unemployment. So, were these factors absent, I don't think that being unemployed over a longer period of time would be an issue.
Right, so, why is being a house husband great, and why, if it's sooo cool, am I looking for a job? To answer the first part of the question, in no particular order:
- No alarms in the morning. This will resonate with most of you - but given that some of you were happy to get out of bed at 6 to be at work at 7 or 8, whereas I struggled to get to the office at 9:30, I think it's fair to say this benefit has inordinately high utility in my case.
- Gym. Going to the gym when working was problematic in two ways - firstly, it cut into my "free time", and secondly, it meant that when I got home I was knackered, and in a bad mood the next day. Now, I only have free time, hence going to the gym doesn't feel like such a chore (though it's still boring enough that I can only stay there for 30 mins max). And since I have enough time to rest, I'm not tired afterwards. Is it shallow to list this as a serious argument in favour of unemployment? There is nothing shallow about looking like an Adonis or Venus - unless you want to argue that the classical beauty which sculptors captured in the statues found in the British Museum (and for which classical beauty I'm striving (and yes, 30 minutes is plenty to get there - similar to my attitude towards work, what matters is how much you get done, not how long you toil)) is also shallow - in which case, hurry up and return our marbles. They're OUR marbles (and more than ever, Greeks need the marbles they've lost restored to them).
- Reading. I was actually already lucky to have a very comfortable commute to work, during which I had plenty of time to read. But I now have even more time to do so, and in more pleasant environments than the 08:19 to Weybridge (the English do many things well, but trains are not amongst them). I really think that having so much time to read, and to reflect on one's reading, is actually extremely beneficial to one's personal development - gives one time to put one's thoughts in order (the problem with using "one" as opposed to other pronouns is that it doesn't alter its form when subjugated, and so appears to be repetitive - had I said "I have time to read", I'd have followed it with "... my reading" etc. Just a casual remark)
- Being a good spouse. I make sure my wife looks good by ironing her shirts, sorting out her tailoring (EDIT: on which I did a great job, according to all of Jessi's colleagues. If P&G doesn't work out, I think I have a bright future as a fashion consultant), doing the washing up etc. This also gives her more time to relax and rest, which in turn makes her more efficient at her work - all part of my masterplan of installing her at 10 Downing Street (see "vicarious living" comment below). You may argue that if I had a job, we could hire someone to do these things - fair, but I've never had a cleaning lady who could iron as well as I can.
- Leaning Chinese / Other skills. I haven't actually started classes, as I had to wait for this expense to be approved by London (they pay for some lessons). But once the admin's done, I will be doing 2 hours of Chinese per day - and, not having work to tire me, I expect I will learn faster than if I were employed. Similarly, if I were long-term unemployed (but financially comfortable), I'd be able to learn other skills, e.g. study another subject, learn to play a musical instrument (although this endeavour would be doomed from the outset in my case) &c.
I've not mentioned working on a start-up. There's ("are", but I like contractions) two reasons for this: firstly, that working on a start-up wouldn't exactly be "doing nothing" from an employment stand point, and I wanted to cover all the benefits of not working at all, not just not working as an employee for someone. Secondly, in my case, I do actually have a start-up idea, and I do want to work on it; but I only have a Chromebook with me, which refuses to connect to Google drive, and hence I have no access to any software to work on my business model. I cannot order a new laptop, because I lost my UK bank card and I'm waiting for its replacement to arrive; and Jessi's bank card doesn't work because of an admin issue. Once this is all sorted out, I'll carry on working on my idea (this does sound like a rather convoluted "dog ate my homework" excuse for procrastination, but I assure you it's all true).
Right. So if I'm painting such a rosy picture, why do I want to get back to work? It's due to the remaining two, valid in my case, arguments against unemployment. In order of importance (if I'm honest with myself):
- Fortune & Glory (who recognises the quote?): Starting with fortune, unfortunately, I'm used to a certain lifestyle, that even with Jessi's salary and house benefits, I'm unlikely to sustain if I do not work - in other words, I'm a spoilt brat. I like skiing in St. Moritz; I like staying at 5 star hotels; I want my children to have a good education, which in many countries is costly; I like Hermes and Drake's ties, and whisky, and good restaurants, and nice furniture - and all of these things cost money (duh). So while I am enjoying my time at the moment, it's with the knowledge that I will be able to afford these things in the future. But even more important than fortune is glory - I'm vain, and therefore I seek it (although let me make a small note in my defence here - by "glory" I mean I want people to know me, but for the "right" reasons: I don't care if someone dislikes me for who I am, but I am uncomfortable with the idea of people liking me or disliking me due to a misunderstanding of my character and/or actions). I'm unlikely to achieve fortune & glory through doing nothing, except perhaps vicariously and by association with Jessi (which is why I hedged my bets by marrying someone smarter than me, and I rejoice in the fact she took my name (and to be fair, Jessi Chenoa Alexandra Challis Catsambas sounds awesome (genuinely, it inspires awe, doesn't it?), and prime ministerial)).
- Value of work: in spite of my lazy nature, and against my inner desire, my family's Protestant (which is strange, because we are Orthodox) work ethic has rubbed off on me. My parents both believe that one's work needs to benefit society, and that one owes it to one's self, and to the people around them, to use any gifts they were given (be it innate intelligence or (without being falsely modest, more so in my case) the luck of good circumstances in early life) to the utmost of their ability. As a result, I do feel slightly guilty doing nothing, much as I enjoy it in other ways. (Quick note, before I make it seem that I view myself as a tireless servant of society: I do not espouse the "to the utmost of their ability" part. I believe in working just hard enough to get done what I want to get done - I don't work at my hardest. I do like making sure I have (more than) enough time to enjoy all the things, and more, listed above - which is indeed why I describe myself (and come across) as lazy).
To this, you may well respond, "dude... get off your high horse, you used to sell shampoo. It's not like you're curing cancer". It's true that neither my parents nor I dedicated our life to public service; but we all believe that in our way, and through our chosen professions, we are, when all is said and done, doing some good for the world. I'll be the first to admit that the world doesn't need 20 Head and Shoulders variants... but one must agree that having decent feminine products, or beauty products that make people feel better about themselves, or products that help make housework more manageable, is doing some small good (I for one cursed every time I had to use a mop in the UK, because Swiffer is inexplicably not marketed there (well, not quite inexplicably, maybe it's because many British houses are carpeted)). In addition, I believe that working for a company like P&G benefits the world in more ways than just the products it manufactures - after all, P&G provides jobs to hundreds of thousands of people, transfers know-how to developing markets, contributes to charities etc. Not to mention that it equips people with skills that they can then dedicate to public service more directly.
Anyway - it may well be debatable that people like myself are doing more harm than good to the world, what with being capitalist and all, but what matters in this discussion is whether I feel my work is on balance beneficial to society. As long as I feel I have something positive to contribute, I will feel a need to work.
So there you have it. I think the above is an exhaustive account of my views on the matter. If you're thinking becoming a house-spouse, get in touch for tips and tricks (e.g. re: ironing).
Be warned: here be long, rambling post.
So, a few people have asked me what it feels like being a house husband. In a nutshell, so far it's great. A few people warned me that I would find doing nothing tedious after a while - and indeed, there are several arguments people often put forward to explain why being a house husband (or wife) might be detrimental to one's happiness. Some of these arguments are made explicitly, others implicitly. Let me go through some of them:
- The first is obvious: being a house husband can't be fun if you cannot afford it. True - but this depends on your definition of "afford it". If you are used to a particular life style, which you cannot support if you stop working, and which you will miss, you should indeed not give up employment. In my case, Jessi is thankfully amply compensated for her services to the Crown, so this is not an issue as far as my day to day lifestyle is concerned. However, note that I do hope my future lifestyle to be of higher standards than my current - more on that later.
- Not having a job gets boring after a while. My instinctive response to this argument is, "what the hell is wrong with you?! If you cannot entertain yourself when you don't have a job, there's something seriously wrong with you!"
But it's true that doing nothing is not for everyone. Back in London, Jessi would often tell me on a Friday, "I'm exhausted, let's do nothing tomorrow", to which I always gladly agreed. But come Saturday, after a couple of hours she would start pestering me to go out and do stuff. Doing nothing requires an innate talent, which thankfully I possess. In abundance. This may sound strange (I'd like to think!) to some people who've worked with me, given that at work I tended to value efficiency and a "getting things done" mindset - but these are entirely different situations. I think that once one has committed to doing a task, one should get it done quickly, so that one can then decide whether they want to commit to another task, or precisely to do nothing. But the desire, and even more so, the need to commit to new tasks has nothing to do with the efficiency in carrying out said tasks.
- An argument that is made less often explicitly is that a lot of people tie their self worth to their work, or worse, to their earnings. It is amazing how many smart people I've met who genuinely believe that the money one makes is a good way of "keeping score" - i.e. the more you make, the more you are worth (pardon the pun - I clearly mean "worth" in a non-monetary, but ill-defined, sense here).
There is something to be said regarding the value of one's work, that I will discuss further down. But tying one's value to the money one earns is beyond immature, as it rests on two very silly assumptions: Firstly, that everyone cares first and foremost about how much money they make (if not everyone does so, keeping score using money as an indicator would be like thinking that you've won a football match based on the number of passes your team has made - maybe important to you, but not to the rest of the world, and hence meaningless as a score-keeping mechanism). Note that making this assumption also necessarily implies that a rich person who engages in what we broadly consider immoral activities (e.g. bribery, drug trade etc) is "worth" more than a poor person, who is however honest. Secondly, that the amount of money one makes is to a very large extent tied directly to their effort, and that external circumstances do not matter. But what if someone wins the lottery? Are they "worth more" than someone who earns more from their work, but wasn't as lucky?
Tying one's self worth to their job status, in relation to other people in the same industry at least, is a bit trickier: I must confess that I, both viscerally and to an extent rationally, succumb to this view. At P&G, I did want to progress fast, for no other reason than the prestige a quick promotion carries. As I mentioned, this mentality makes sense rationally, up to a point: surely, the speed at which one is promoted reflects one's ability. Of course, this isn't always true, but it is pretty robust. But it is of no relevance to this discussion. One could argue that my self esteem would have been harmed, had I stayed at P&G for another 5 years and failed to make it to the next level. But choosing to leave, in order to follow my wife's career, is a choice independent to my performance at work, and hence doesn't affect my ego.
On a similar note, some people might ask whether I feel at all emasculated that my wife is now supporting me. But, come on - if I didn't feel emasculated by the fact that Jessi proposed to me, would I really feel emasculated by her career taking precedence over mine? (actually yes, theoretically, I could. But I don't.)
- Being a house husband often means fewer interactions with other people. Again, this is true to an extent (although of course it depends on the effort one makes to make friends). But this doesn't really bother me, as I'm rather an introvert. Again, this statement might surprise people, as I hardly give the impression of not enjoying other people's company - but I'm very happy being on my own. (Quick note to friends: this isn't to say that every (or any) occasion I've spent time in your company, my smile was a well-acted front to conceal my dread and despair at having to socialise - I do enjoy being with friends, it's just that I do not get depressed or even restless being by myself. It's also not to say I don't miss you - I do).
- Being unemployed might be fine as a condition on its own, but what about its ramifications on one's future? This, and the comment above regarding the value of one's work, are the only reasons I myself will seek to re-enter employment, and I'll elaborate on both of them further down.
OK, so far I've explained why being a house husband doesn't suck. But is it good? Or just neutral? Before I answer this, let me anticipate the argument that I've only been a house husband for a month, hence I've not have enough time to experience some of the downsides mentioned above (e.g. doing nothing might not bother me yet, but if I were to do it (heh, "do do nothing") for months, it might get to me. EDIT: I remained a house husband for another 5 months or so, and it was awesome.
True, but on the other hand, the conditions of my being house husband are not ideal: a) we're still living in a bland and (after a week) rather unpleasant temporary flat. Doing nothing would be significantly more enjoyable in a personalised flat with my furniture and decor. EDIT: It was b) The last point about being an introvert non-withstanding, it's undoubtable that being unemployed would be more fun if I could regularly see and spend time with the people close to me. c) My internet connection is rubbish. Being unemployed would be so much more fun if I could watch the latest House of Cards series. Edit: it was d) I've promised myself not to get a suit made until I get a job. It's hard to explain how much this clause weighs against all the benefits of unemployment. So, were these factors absent, I don't think that being unemployed over a longer period of time would be an issue.
Right, so, why is being a house husband great, and why, if it's sooo cool, am I looking for a job? To answer the first part of the question, in no particular order:
- No alarms in the morning. This will resonate with most of you - but given that some of you were happy to get out of bed at 6 to be at work at 7 or 8, whereas I struggled to get to the office at 9:30, I think it's fair to say this benefit has inordinately high utility in my case.
- Gym. Going to the gym when working was problematic in two ways - firstly, it cut into my "free time", and secondly, it meant that when I got home I was knackered, and in a bad mood the next day. Now, I only have free time, hence going to the gym doesn't feel like such a chore (though it's still boring enough that I can only stay there for 30 mins max). And since I have enough time to rest, I'm not tired afterwards. Is it shallow to list this as a serious argument in favour of unemployment? There is nothing shallow about looking like an Adonis or Venus - unless you want to argue that the classical beauty which sculptors captured in the statues found in the British Museum (and for which classical beauty I'm striving (and yes, 30 minutes is plenty to get there - similar to my attitude towards work, what matters is how much you get done, not how long you toil)) is also shallow - in which case, hurry up and return our marbles. They're OUR marbles (and more than ever, Greeks need the marbles they've lost restored to them).
- Reading. I was actually already lucky to have a very comfortable commute to work, during which I had plenty of time to read. But I now have even more time to do so, and in more pleasant environments than the 08:19 to Weybridge (the English do many things well, but trains are not amongst them). I really think that having so much time to read, and to reflect on one's reading, is actually extremely beneficial to one's personal development - gives one time to put one's thoughts in order (the problem with using "one" as opposed to other pronouns is that it doesn't alter its form when subjugated, and so appears to be repetitive - had I said "I have time to read", I'd have followed it with "... my reading" etc. Just a casual remark)
- Being a good spouse. I make sure my wife looks good by ironing her shirts, sorting out her tailoring (EDIT: on which I did a great job, according to all of Jessi's colleagues. If P&G doesn't work out, I think I have a bright future as a fashion consultant), doing the washing up etc. This also gives her more time to relax and rest, which in turn makes her more efficient at her work - all part of my masterplan of installing her at 10 Downing Street (see "vicarious living" comment below). You may argue that if I had a job, we could hire someone to do these things - fair, but I've never had a cleaning lady who could iron as well as I can.
- Leaning Chinese / Other skills. I haven't actually started classes, as I had to wait for this expense to be approved by London (they pay for some lessons). But once the admin's done, I will be doing 2 hours of Chinese per day - and, not having work to tire me, I expect I will learn faster than if I were employed. Similarly, if I were long-term unemployed (but financially comfortable), I'd be able to learn other skills, e.g. study another subject, learn to play a musical instrument (although this endeavour would be doomed from the outset in my case) &c.
I've not mentioned working on a start-up. There's ("are", but I like contractions) two reasons for this: firstly, that working on a start-up wouldn't exactly be "doing nothing" from an employment stand point, and I wanted to cover all the benefits of not working at all, not just not working as an employee for someone. Secondly, in my case, I do actually have a start-up idea, and I do want to work on it; but I only have a Chromebook with me, which refuses to connect to Google drive, and hence I have no access to any software to work on my business model. I cannot order a new laptop, because I lost my UK bank card and I'm waiting for its replacement to arrive; and Jessi's bank card doesn't work because of an admin issue. Once this is all sorted out, I'll carry on working on my idea (this does sound like a rather convoluted "dog ate my homework" excuse for procrastination, but I assure you it's all true).
Right. So if I'm painting such a rosy picture, why do I want to get back to work? It's due to the remaining two, valid in my case, arguments against unemployment. In order of importance (if I'm honest with myself):
- Fortune & Glory (who recognises the quote?): Starting with fortune, unfortunately, I'm used to a certain lifestyle, that even with Jessi's salary and house benefits, I'm unlikely to sustain if I do not work - in other words, I'm a spoilt brat. I like skiing in St. Moritz; I like staying at 5 star hotels; I want my children to have a good education, which in many countries is costly; I like Hermes and Drake's ties, and whisky, and good restaurants, and nice furniture - and all of these things cost money (duh). So while I am enjoying my time at the moment, it's with the knowledge that I will be able to afford these things in the future. But even more important than fortune is glory - I'm vain, and therefore I seek it (although let me make a small note in my defence here - by "glory" I mean I want people to know me, but for the "right" reasons: I don't care if someone dislikes me for who I am, but I am uncomfortable with the idea of people liking me or disliking me due to a misunderstanding of my character and/or actions). I'm unlikely to achieve fortune & glory through doing nothing, except perhaps vicariously and by association with Jessi (which is why I hedged my bets by marrying someone smarter than me, and I rejoice in the fact she took my name (and to be fair, Jessi Chenoa Alexandra Challis Catsambas sounds awesome (genuinely, it inspires awe, doesn't it?), and prime ministerial)).
- Value of work: in spite of my lazy nature, and against my inner desire, my family's Protestant (which is strange, because we are Orthodox) work ethic has rubbed off on me. My parents both believe that one's work needs to benefit society, and that one owes it to one's self, and to the people around them, to use any gifts they were given (be it innate intelligence or (without being falsely modest, more so in my case) the luck of good circumstances in early life) to the utmost of their ability. As a result, I do feel slightly guilty doing nothing, much as I enjoy it in other ways. (Quick note, before I make it seem that I view myself as a tireless servant of society: I do not espouse the "to the utmost of their ability" part. I believe in working just hard enough to get done what I want to get done - I don't work at my hardest. I do like making sure I have (more than) enough time to enjoy all the things, and more, listed above - which is indeed why I describe myself (and come across) as lazy).
To this, you may well respond, "dude... get off your high horse, you used to sell shampoo. It's not like you're curing cancer". It's true that neither my parents nor I dedicated our life to public service; but we all believe that in our way, and through our chosen professions, we are, when all is said and done, doing some good for the world. I'll be the first to admit that the world doesn't need 20 Head and Shoulders variants... but one must agree that having decent feminine products, or beauty products that make people feel better about themselves, or products that help make housework more manageable, is doing some small good (I for one cursed every time I had to use a mop in the UK, because Swiffer is inexplicably not marketed there (well, not quite inexplicably, maybe it's because many British houses are carpeted)). In addition, I believe that working for a company like P&G benefits the world in more ways than just the products it manufactures - after all, P&G provides jobs to hundreds of thousands of people, transfers know-how to developing markets, contributes to charities etc. Not to mention that it equips people with skills that they can then dedicate to public service more directly.
Anyway - it may well be debatable that people like myself are doing more harm than good to the world, what with being capitalist and all, but what matters in this discussion is whether I feel my work is on balance beneficial to society. As long as I feel I have something positive to contribute, I will feel a need to work.
So there you have it. I think the above is an exhaustive account of my views on the matter. If you're thinking becoming a house-spouse, get in touch for tips and tricks (e.g. re: ironing).
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